An Interview

10 Questions to ask Death:

Q) Why is black the symbol of death? Why don’t you wear some other color?

A) Originally, I wanted to wear my favorite color, Blue. But blood stains you know! In the end, I decided that black was just more practical. Just imagine how tacky it would be to wear blood stained clothes whenever I go out to lunch with the Boogeyman or Santa Clause!

Q) Why are you portrayed as a skeleton?

A) Once you see flesh die, you don’t really have the desire to eat meat anymore. The only thing that grows in the underworld are vegetables like carrots and beets. As a kid, I didn’t eat my vegetables. So, I only eat when I really must. So, to be frank, I’m just a slightly skinnier version of Mary-Kate Olsen.

Q) Do you enjoy your job?

A) Who wants to bring death to people? It’s like being a garbage man, you don’t want to, but someone has to, and people depend on you to. Now imagine the job of the garbage man being a million times more rare… now imagine how good my pay is!

Q) Why do you always dress in rags to do your bidding?

A) No offense, but I don’t want your dead human remains on me. When I’m not at work though, I dress pretty spiffy. I’ve been known to whip out an impressively extravagant suit whenever the Tooth Fairy is present…

Q) Why do you carry a scythe? Why not a sledgehammer or something?

A) First off, you have to admit that my scythe is pretty snazzy. To be honest though, originally I wanted to use the bat I have that’s signed by Shane Watson. But in the end, I decided that scythes are better fit for the job. The bat is now reserved only for giving comas.

Q) Have you ever accidently killed the wrong person?

A) To be honest, yes I have. But when I do, it’s not my fault. You have to blame the buisness. It’s like when you book a flight. Sometimes it’s delayed or canceled, or sometimes you take an earlier flight. You’ll get on the plane eventually, because you always end up going where you’re meant to be.

Q) How do you know which person to kill?

A) It’s all through email. I carry one of those nice phones that recieve emails. Everytime it’s someones time, my phone will beep and an address or location will show up. Then I go to that area and do my bidding. Once again, if its the wrong address, blame the buisness…

Q) How do you have time to kill all these people? Are you in two places at once?

A) Are you insane? You can’t be in two places at once! That’s nonsense talk! The underworld runs on different time than your world. In your years im billions of years old. In my years, I’m just in my mid 20's.

Q) Well, even still, how do you get to each place so quickly? You can’t possibly get from New York to Hawaii fast enough!

A) Believe it or not, the undergroud society isn’t quite as crowded as yours. We can move much faster undergroud without running into people. We’ve created systems of underground tracks that are about as fast as your modern day planes. Because of the time difference, it works out fine. Although, sometimes I do have really busy days. For days like those, I borrow the remote control that’s used on the set of Click, the Adam Sandler movie. But I only need those in times of desperate measures. Like during wars.

Q) What will happen once you do eventually die? Who will be death?

A) If things with the Tooth Fairy don’t go as planned, they’ll have to hire someone new. My job has been in the family for years. And if things go my way, a child with beautiful teeth will be the next Death.

Q) Death, any last words?

A) Yes, thank you. I just wanted to thank you for reading. And I hope you now have a higher appreciation for my job. Don’t fear death, but don’t go looking for it either. See you in the future.

-Death.